A Twisted Reality

 

I do not know where to begin such a beautiful memory, and here I am, thinking about what should have been done for so long as I lay my age at the very 30s.  Now, I realize that only if I had been more confident and fearless could I have done what has been bothering my mind for so long. 

I guess that this was my immature side of me, and that hesitation is why I did not had the guts to say what I had to confess in those old days far away, which still haunts me. Let me remind you that I am never been the perfect one.

 However, even if I had seen this coming out of the other side of me, I could have changed my reality, but there was this obsession with studying to be the best no matter what happens. I keep getting dreams like this now and then, and now that I think about it, I feel the missing part of the puzzle of my life, and there is that regret, too.

 Let me enlighten you far away from the past: approximately 18 years ago, there was a girl named Deepika in my school days. I used to love her; indeed, deep down, there was this 😭 kind of personality inside me with which I could never forget the feelings and that time when I had a crush on her, but she used to treat me as a joke and never wanted to say a word to me. 

Perhaps in the far future, I would somehow get to meet her when the destinies of both of us would collide. But by that time, it would all have been over; I think she must have married someone smart who could live up to her expectations.

 What God has been till date is probably some injustice in my life somewhere. I am somehow stuck between the past and the future. I always think about making my day far better than I constantly desired. Not everything in my life is desired. 

I may have launched a future on a platform like blogger plus YouTube. Whatever earnings I thought of, I keep as my savings from these platforms are always easily splurged into household expenditures. 

But I want to save these earnings as a last resort in the far away future.

I may have leaned over into my 30s, but at this point, even though some people can argue that I am still too young, that is not the case. Every day, I feel my limits that I can't simply do or push my limits where I want to. 

I am leaping towards old age; my body can't endure the workload anymore. At times, I feel tired, but sitting idle is something that bothers me a lot. I have gained fame from so many other platforms, but now that I think about it, I am stuck somewhere and need a sign or signal for a Miracle to happen. 

People say, "Old days are made of gold, and reality can't be changed back. " And I do agree I am late in life for everything.

 I used to be silent initially, but making videos on YouTube on different aspects has made me a thinker, and at times, I can't express myself adequately. Some people may take all that I am writing here as if I am a storyteller or just cooking a fairy tales. Still, now I know that this single life is bothering me so many times, at least I am trying to change the turned reality in itself, but once again, I am stranded with a dream that keeps portraying images of the recent past.

 Some memories have faded, and there are some that I look forward to a miracle to happen. Recently, there has been a generation gap that I kept wondering about during my cousin's engagement ceremony and how that affected my life.

 These occasions are literal places of gossip, and the result is nothing in my life. Honestly, I found all this a useless, time-consuming activity. The fact that makes my anger boil in such a situation is how could a young one at such an immature age get married as I keep blaming myself that it should be instead of her in the very first place. 

At times, I feel no reason to live, but yet again, there are specific blood relations for which I feel devoted to living again as if there is a reason for my living for their sake and not for my own. I feel the time slpping out of my hands. 

I think about what should be done and when it should be. Every year, the same story repeats itself as if I am just wasting my time, as time for me is everything, and I can't restore it.

 Some dreams would rather wait to be fulfilled in the next possible birth. For me, human lives are more important than just earning money, as earning and saving it for the future does not make sense. 

I am hoping someday my desires will be fulfilled as I am already tired of making each and every one of my dreams turn into a reality. All that is left is to wait and see what happens next for now...